Parenting can be tough, and anyone who says differently is a liar. Yes, your children are the most incredible part of your life. Yes, there’s something magical about watching your baby grow and learn new things. Yes, you could happily spend hours watching them sleep. Being a parent is wonderful and mind-blowing and indescribable.
But there’s a darker side to parenting, where things happen that you could never in a million years imagine having to deal with. Horrifyingly, many of these scary, scary experiences involve bodily fluids. There seems to be an unspoken rule that you’re not truly initiated as a parent until you’ve had to deal with the unspeakably horrible substances a child can produce. It’s just a fact of life, and no parent comes out unscathed. Hasn’t happened to you yet? Don’t worry, it’s just a matter of time.
Ben Patterson experienced this rite of passage just recently. While driving home with his son, Declan, his whole night fell to pieces. Patterson explained, saying, “Last night I was supposed to watch the kids, so my wife and I swapped cars after work so she could head out with some friends. On the way home, projectile vomit occurred and the whole time my wife wasn’t answering her phone…. See the ensuing text messages.”
And see the ensuing text messages you must. Warning: you are in for a laugh!
“So this just happened
I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself
I just threw up trying to clean him up
It smells SO BAD”
“I’m standing on the side of the road dry heaving, I can’t even be in the car it’s so awful
I seriously don’t know what to do, I’m barfing every time I try to clean him up
I’m puking on some lady’s lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I’m drunk while driving the kids
I’m trying to explain that I’m a sympathetic vomiter and can’t handle the smell
This is SO BAD
Aaaand now the cops showed up
Because they have nothing better to do in Burlingame
Aaaaand now a breathalyzer
YOU OWE ME SO BIG”
“Meanwhile Declan continues to barf
WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER
ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!!
At least I passed the breathalyzer
Trying to drive home with the windows down and breathing through my shirt”
Luckily, Patterson has a good sense of humor, in addition to a sympathetic gag reflex. After a flight shortly after the now-infamous incident, he had a genius idea.
“#Lifeprotip: When I get off this flight I’m grabbing a few of these bad boys to stash in the minivan. Mostly for me, not the kids.”
And what about Patterson’s wife? She also knows how to take a joke! After these hilarious texts started making their way around the internet, Patterson came clean about the fact that his story might have been slightly embellished.
“Glad so many people found it so funny! I just wanted to clarify that while the rest of the story is true, the part about the police coming and the breathalyzer was just something I added for dramatic effect for my wife in the moment. Now that the story has blown up, I wouldn’t want anyone to think badly of the Burlingame PD because I was joking! The truth counts. I actually went down to Burlingame PD and chatted with them and we had a good laugh about things. The ‘barf heard round the world’ was bad, but it didn’t include a breathalyzer!
Many folks asked how Declan is doing, and he’s totally fine – here’s what he looks like when he’s not covered in his own puke, and he’s pretty darn cute if I do say so myself.
Be sure to SHARE this hilarious bit of parenting with your friends and family!
H/T: Ben Patterson